On the TV introduction - might be useful to put in some shots of the guys listening and maybe one of those "two of them look at each other" when something crazy is said. I looked to see if you could remove any lines and I don't think so. So, just make it look very professional - with text and pictures and stuff (I really like the background music, it really fits). I was going to say that maybe you should not mention custodial and think that this welcome video is for all people who show up, but that may be your mechanism for telling the audience what the people are going to be doing. If yes, then you need to leave it in.
I don't know if you really need the joke about Rob's name. It is ok, but I'm afraid that it will be tricky to come off as something that is really funny. You could just have them say, "Wow", or just mutter, or maybe just sit there and look around. Then ROB comes in.
ROB computer voice is great. Hope that you have a good model for this. It would be cool if you had something that blinked with each word, but I'm sure that is impossible.
I'm worried a bit about the robots fixing the leak and then hauling the guy away. Might be tricky. Might be a good one to do early.
When he does the mirror thing, after it, maybe he could hit himself in the head and say, "Man, I'm really beat" shake his head. I'm afraid that since he doesn't do anything about seeing the strange thing that the audience might not buy it.
That leads me up to another thought. WIth the air leak and the guy having the heart attack, the audience is already thinking that maybe the air is contaminated even though the robot says that it is fine. They are going to be thinking that the robot was wrong. I'm not sure that you even want to put that thought in their head. Would it work to just take out the whole leak thing? What are you trying to communicate with that? Isn't it better to have them assume that everything is just fine? When the guy sees something strange, the audience can just pass this off as him being tired. You could even set up the being tired thing by someone (ROB Maybe) saying that it was a long two day flight or something like that. I could see leaving in the thing where the guy dies. WHich would get everyone on edge. But totally unexplained. That is fine.
Line - dead bodies in the cafeteria. That needs to have a ton of emotion. Screaming. Oh my god. There are dead bodies in the cafeteria. Hysterical.
fat guy: IN the cafeteria?
Main guy: Yeah, look. (scared) (they are walking back to see it).
Also, I'm not sure that having the monsters that he sees and then trips adds anything. You could see him backing out in horror, turning and running and then tripping and sliding right into the feet of the other guy. What does seeing the monsters really add to it?
I love the who hired these people and the cleaning up stuff. That is great. But if you just saw this and it is totally gone, what would you do? Maybe hit your head again, shake it, look around? Wonder what is going on? But you just do a fade out and it feels like something is missing.
Can't hear whispers at all.
Ah, with the body on the table, the idea might be that the monsters are eating it. So, that might be why you want to introduce monsters earlier. But wouldn't it be more creepy if you don't really go into the whole monster thing? What kind of horror could you have? Maybe blood all over the walls? Dead, mutilated body there? Maybe just use a zombie or something. It is really weird looking. The kind of thing where the guy looks and screams and leaves asap.
Girl: What happened.
Guy: I'll tell you what - need lots and lots of emotion. Panic'd.
When he hits ROB, I think that he should say something.
As we talked about , he needs to get blasted out the door. WIth debris and stuff. Maybe be hard, but keeps it real.
As we said yesterday, you need something at the end to wrap it up. He walks out and is looking around and then you see the control room and what not. Something scientific, like maybe: Scientist 1 "That is unusual." Second scientist: "First time someone has broken containment." and then let the audience think about that and then end it.
When she walks into the house, a good one would be to lean backward against the door and say the "I think that I like this guy". Kind of thoughtful expression.
WHen he is pontificating about sci fi, it might be good if she responded in some way. Even a smile and a head nod would be good. I could see a line, but visually that would work too I think.
When she says: Lets jump. You want her to look very mischievous. Him to look shocked. Then think a sec and say, are you sure?
Wait. She says its so exhilarating. Then he doesn't respond. Do you need a line here? Then she panics. How does she change so quickly. Maybe if you have louder wind noise and then a closeup and you see her smile turn to terror. That would work.
I want to have him say: We're ok. Then she screams I can't do this. Shakes her head. Says NO NO. Then instantly you are in the real world. Keep the transition there believable and smooth. Audience is going to go what? Whoa. This is weird. What the heck is going on. and you fade to black. I'm worried that this is going to be so jarring that they will be totally confused. Oh yeah, if you see her take off her VR helmet, maybe you will get it. But need to be careful about that. THink about someone who doesn't do video games or thinks about this. See if they will get it or just be confused as to what the heck is going on.
I know that there are storyboards there, but I can't see them in the image, so I'm not sure what the transition is that happens here.
I love that "You did not use that line". What he says is so sappy. Kind of the thing that someone thinking that they are clever is doing. It would be great if he looked embarrassed somehow. But that is probably pushing it. Maybe if he just looks away or something.
The whole: I love you for who you are. Feels a bit shocking at this stage of the relationship. But now that I think about it, the montage is supposed to show you their long term relationship. Maybe if he said something about "these past six months has been great". Just to set it up so the audience doesn't think that he is pushing things. I do like her kind of guarded reaction. Almost shocked and pleased.
I really like the dialog on the overlook. It works well. Builds some nice tension and she should be frustrated. Very nice.
Note - on her dialog there is a hard p sound when she says: you;re the only "P"erosion who …
That is it. As I said in class. You fade to black on the kiss, fade in showing them side by side, holding hands, with helmets on and then done.
Can we trim the opening dialog even more? Get the point across but with even less dialog?
When M and F are talking in the square, your images show that you are breaking the 180 rule all over the place. Make sure that if you do that, you do it for a really really good reason.
I don't see how to cut that dialog. You need to get the feeling that the guy is sucking him in to seeing the cask. Plus you need to set up that he will be coughing later and need the wine.
Hum, F asks if it is nitrate. We already established that. Maybe you can shorten this a bit knowing that everyone knows that it is nitrate. But the coughing is good and important.
The whole pleading with F to go back is too long. Cut it about in half. YOu want the audience see that he is still pleading with him, but don't keep belaboring it. The line about it will not kill me is good. Keep that part.
Swig of the wine. Needs to say: I realize this is not the amontillado but … That way you don't wonder about the wine and the cask.
Then F talks about the nitrate after the part about the crest. I'd just have him cough some more and he says here drink some more wine. Don't keep saying going back any more. We are done with that.
I'd also get F to start slurring his words a bit. Showing that he is definitely getting drunk. Or maybe mis pronouncing things, stuttering, something to indicate that he is having problems.
Take out the whole hand gesture/mason thing. It doesn't help the story. Just walk a bit more and have him drinking, stumbling, catching himself. Maybe saying something when he slips.
I would have it so when M. says: here is the cask. F says, well, well well. Or something and then collapses. No more about the nitrate. Then fade out.
Then you can fade in to show him chained and waking up. BTW - be careful that this isn't the only fade in. That would be really odd.
Employ you to return? Come on, F is chained up. This dialog is a bit confusing here. Why doesn't he ask what is going on? I do like the lines about laughs and stuff. Need good facial here of him being really concerned. Or something.
Lastly, don't forget what Jana suggested. Go through it carefully and write down what you want to communicate with every shot. If there is nothing, then cut it.
I had to basically single frame through the beginning to see the storyboards. They come so fast that I can't even tell what is going on. After doing that, I am a bit confused. He looks at the picture. Then there is a car crash. Then something about losing the pulse and then looking at the picture again crying. I get what you are trying to do. Get the audience to believe that the girl in the picture has been in a crash. Ok, but it is hard to figure out how the transitions will work out. How are you going to trick the audience into thinking that this happened and is not happening?
It is important to get this right. As you don't want the audience to have a clue what is really going on. But you want to keep the illusion up that he is thinking about this stuff.
Also, there are some dialog that is very traditional that you seem to hear. Stuff like: Dr. It is Charged. Or you hear the sound the defibrillator charging. Then you hear CLEAR. Then the Whap sound.
Next you transition to machinima. How is that going to work? Is the audience going to think, wow this is weird? One idea that I had was to use the typical dream sequence thing. The person sits down, you see them nodding off and then machinima. I wouldn't recommend the real cheesy fog transition. I don't view this as a romantic comedy, so there shouldn't really be comedic moments.
Paper airplane??? Machinima???? How about you show a computer monitor and a message pops up with a picture of the girl and the words on the message. YOu could probably just use a still shot.
Carrying papers? Not sure how to do this. James may have some ideas. I suppose that you could create a brush and put paper textures on it. But getting them to carry them is going to be tricky unless you can add animations to your models.
So, the guy carrying the papers shows up is faceless and then derek runs away to his boss. He doesn't say anything, just asks about the girl. This doesn't make sense. I would expect something like:
he runs away to his boss.
He rushes in excited and says: "Boss! Boss! there is something wrong? I was asking blah about the woman next to me and he had no face."
Then the boss can say there is no woman and then turn around. I think that will work.
Also, I think that we need to figure some way to trim all of these same sequences. Maybe cut it back to three. But I can see why you have four. You are trying to establish that she keeps coming back for him. It just feels a little draggy.
Derek should run from the boss screaming or something.
So, while the echo stuff is going on after he goes into the elevator, how is this really working? Is it just a lot of snippets? Maybe you could do that swirly thing that Hitchcock did where you zoom into Derek and then swirl him and you start seeing this stuff. Again, this transition is really important.
After she says : You're not the boss of me, I don't get what is happening.
Speaking of that line. It is great. You might want to try and cut out one of the pieces of that whole segment just to keep it tight. Like maybe the one before the last one (the part about is your job more important than your life and the ticket thing). Maybe you could cut that.
Not sure cookies are a good idea. Seems a little out of place. The scent thing makes it a bit better. Just not sure
I'm worried about the complexity of so many different sets and scenes. As I count:
Beginning where he meets his boss
they drive in a car
Arrive at work
Then office environment
The park
Then a zillion sets for the whole echo part.
I'm not sure that I understand the opening with the door and lockers.
So, when the line popcorn comes out, I assume that this starts flashback?
I don't know what is going on when he says when every encounter turns out like this, I beg to differ. Did he meet a girl and she slapped him or something?
I don't get what is going on when he says with the drink switched out… ???
Why the dog at that point?
After that there is a long black screen. Not sure what is going on.
Clearly you need more graphics to convey the intent. Even some text on the screen would help.
There goes the dog? Huh?
Then a football game or something.
The a crash and X10 and what is going on?
"There goes my revenge". He is so calm Seems that there should be some expletives. What what? Damnit. There goes my revenge. Something like that. (Although I don't know what really happened, I'm starting to get the idea).
I'll have my vengeance. I know that car. There needs to be a bit of transition here. Like. Him looking at the scene. Then saying to himself. Wait, I know that car. I'll have my vengeance yet. Something like that.
Hum, it looks like the sound and the storyboards are off. Maybe that big blank in the middle shouldn't be there and move all of the storyboards up some. Yeah, it goes on and you see the football player.
The lines about someone swiping the car. It feels that again you need a better transition.
Initial REVIEW:
Not sure if this is final voice acting. If it is, then you need to adjust for equal audio volume and there are lots of dialog lines where I can hear a metallic noise with the voice. I think that they need to be re-recorded. Getting the right voice for the narrator is important. They need to be crisp and annunciate really well. Don't talk too fast, but measured. Not a lot of emotion is good. If this is temporary, then that is fine.
You really build up the suspense well. It feels a lot like Signs.
I see that you decided not to put the twist in the end. That is certainly your choice. I want to watch it again and think about the ending and if it has that twilight zone punch.
You could use some more shots in the various dialog conversations. Keep it moving.
It feels long to me. I'll have to watch it some more to get a feeling of where trimming would work. You want to keep the tension up, keep the audience guessing what is happening.
I'm worried about trying to do a lot of the machinima things. Drinking at the bar. Exploding cows. Aliens coming out. Etc. Do you have an alien model btw or are you going to use the vortigant maybe? You will need some texturing on the characters and your use of hats is nice (but you will need to work on that aspect). Sets aren't too bad, basically the bar, the home, and the field. Have you found a cow model that moves and also maybe has gibs so you can blow it up? Four characters plus the alien. Seems reasonable.
I'll watch it several times again to see about the pacing and keeping the tension up (but there are lots of elements in there I like, for example, him waking up and thinking about it). That kind of stuff is great. This is a story where you really need the audience to be wondering what the heck is going on and so don't want any machinima or dialog oddities or glitches to break the tension. It is REALLY important to keep that illusion going.
Second Review:
The bar scene really is nice. You may have to compromise to do it in machinima, but the dialog works.
Intro by the Rod Serling like char after the bar is just fine.
When he says My Cows. I'd like more emotion. Think about how you would react if you heard something crazy and were worried.
When he says what the hell, I don't know what happens with his hands in the air. Also, I'm not sure that you want to show the alien at this point, or maybe see it flashing away or something. I realize that it may be that you have to show it at this point. But you might want to keep it a bit of a mystery to the audience. Maybe you could have him see something, but the camera is from behind and the audience can't really see what it is. Maybe a gray arm or something really weird, but not the whole alien.
Also, why doesn't he shoot and miss. Maybe you are behind him and he raises his gun and the alien moves off in a flash.
Dialog between the man and the two cops. It is ok, but maybe you could tighten it just a bit. Take out some delays and what not. But the information that you are giving is that the sheriff agrees with him. It is crazy what is going on. They all agree. It is real. You maybe could shorten things if the you just have the cops knocking on the door, or maybe the door is open and they show up. You can have the cop car out there in the distance.
He says unnatural. Then there is no dialog and I'm not sure what is going on. Maybe he wanders outside and the sun comes up? Then he hears it again? Is that it?
So, what happens? He runs and trips? Then fires his gun by mistake? So he is laying down and then sees the alien come out? Why did you do this? YOu could also have him running up and seeing it and save all of the hassle of tripping and the other issues that go with that.
Make sure that the audience can hear what the alien says. It is a little difficult with the whisper. It needs to be perfectly clear.
The fight scene looks tough to orchestrate. May have to compromise?
Going out there and killing all of the cows is pretty gross.
Ok, so why would the alien say that they are there to kill all of the humans? Given that they are spys why would that happen? That seems inconsistent with the ending that because of the efforts of the rancher, they stopped them. That is why I was thinking that when the alien talks, the farmer basically misunderstands him. He thinks that they are there to kill him but in reality they are there to prepare to stop the other aliens. Or something like that.