Teaching staff reviews of animatics

Note - Jana's remarks focus on what should be fixed and has not spent a lot of time on what is good (many of them are really good).

Ant movie

• Bob - It appears to be final voice acting and I like it. The only part that could use a little work is when Julia dies, it seems that the guy should screarm in anguish. When she gets hit by the rock, I think that you need a couple more camera shots. Maybe showing the other guy, cutting back to her. It is a bit long of a sequence.
• Jana - This is a very funny segment. The only part I am confused on is the voice of "you." As I understand it, every thing is happening from "you"'s perspective and we never see him? If this is the case, then it might be helpful to add some hand held stuff to make the perspective more clear. Also, the beginning where dinner is being spoken of, it great, but it needs to go much faster. I believe this means that there needs to be more different angles and less time between spoken dialogue, parhaps even overlapping dialogue as might happen in a real life "family."

Everyday Apocalypse

• Bob - Missing Zombie gets shot scene. Not sure that the bike ride home is going to be necessary. Have you thought about music or what is going to be going on other than explosions and what not?

Boyfriend, Girlfriend, and Ex

• Bob - I think that this works well. Your shots looks solid. I like the quick jump cuts for the various bad situations. Lots of tricky parts to realize in hammer.
• James - Good job. The animatic really brought out your vision for the movie.

Church

• Bob - I like the dialog, except when the guy says "errr" it seems a bit fakey. Do people really talk like that? Maybe more of a humm kind of sound. The eek before the priest shows up is a little odd. I like your cuts, camera angles, and duration of shots. I think that it works out really well.
• Jana - Doesn't have any visuals, only audio. But the voice performers are really good.
• James - I think this is the perfect time for judging. I love the dialogue, shot composition is good, though I'd recommend some close-ups and more movement during the discussion with the preacher.

Courtroom

• Bob - It is a bit hard to tell, but make sure that you don't intentionally violate the 180 rule during Little Miss' speech. When she is speaking, I'd mix in some closeups (like only showing her face kind of closeups) with the various shots. Just to keep it interesting and diverse. Especially when she raises important points. Spend time doing some facial animation at these points to strengthen her dialog. Right now when the judge says Andrew. Andrew answers. There is a delay in there. Don't have the delay. Your dialog works well. Make sure that when the voice actors do andrews speech at the end that it is powerful. Doesn't need to be loud and yelling (he probably wouldn't do that), just powerful.
• Jana - This scene needs more dramatic impact. I think you need to show audience reactions. This concept of a robot going free, it must be pretty revolutionary, like saying that a dog or a microwave should make his own decisions,etc. The way to show this is to include audience reactions. So after the little girl makes her pronouncment (or during) you should be cutting to the audience starting to talk and some being outraged. Then there should be a cut to a police officer touching his gun to try and ward off any misbehavior. Something like that. Otherwise, the impact of this scene falls flat.
• James - This file was corrupted for me, wouldn't open. Sad TA is sad.

Magic of Machinima

• Bob - you need more camera shots in the beginning. When he is up in the air and flying and flying with the bird, you need more shots. Just to keep up interest. Other person says: "what an incredible invention" ... Showing the guy flying at this point seems weird. Are you interviewing someone? Or is it just two VO's? If VO's, then I'm not sure that just seeing the guy keep flying will work. YOu need to play with this a bit. The line about vast numbers of women is in there twice. I think that before the zombie scene you should just have him say somethign about showing how powerful he is or soemthing along those lines. DOn't mention the women until you are going to do that part. I like the ending. Very funny. Those various tricks at the end, probably could be cut (if you run out of time). Do them last. If you keep them in, make them very quick. jump cuts between them.
• Jana - "This could be really funny as a film strip where all the pictures are just stills instead of moving images. This could be reinforced by some cheesy bell noises that indicate it is time to move to the next slide. However, it also means that there needs to be more pictures. Especially when the announcer is talking and someone is talking back. We need to see some pictures of talking heads going back and forth (shot reverse shot) in conversation. Also, I still see a lack of perspective in the different shots. It looks like verything is from bird's eye view. Is this really the case? Also, I think you need to show the announcer and ""Joe"" speaking because you're images while they are speaking don't change at all or add anything new to the narrative. "
• James - I'd recommend picking up the pace somewhat. Some of the special effects will be hard to pull of, but if you went the crappy late night infomercial feel you could use post process special effects (And star-wipe and out). Also, use multiple shots for each scene.

Death and Transfiguration

• Bob - I hate the walking that the NPC's do which is so boxey. Consider trying to make it look more natural with curves. When the guys talk to him, he should glance at them and then look away. That is the best way that I can think of to show timidity. I don't think that you get the connection with the father. In the original script it was the kid (which I know you don't have a model for). Can you make the connection better? Music is too loud during dialog while they are in front of the burning building. The guy should run into the building, not walk. Should help with the later pacing as it takes way too long inside. He should also be screaming the fathers name. You can't hear his lines inside. When she says Dad, where have you been. It should be more emotional. Think about what is going on. You are worried sick and suddenly you see him. The oh no, tim is in there should be said with anguish. Also, I don't think that the camera angles are quite right for the end. Should be closeups and shots of the burning building, etc.
• Jana - "Ok, I know this is an animatic and not complete, but right now your guy seems mean and asocial rather then shy and awkward. I think you need to put in some close ups that show details on his facial expression that emphasize his reation to things and create an accurate reflection of his personality. Also, with all the fire stuff, I think you need a lot of dollys and close ups on the guy's face as he's in the firey building. ALso, I think you could benefit from close ups when people are talking. Especially at the end when the woman says ""oh no, I think he's still in there"" you need a close up on her face with a tear or some such. Also, the guy needs to run through the firey building, but I think you know this and just haven't done it yet. One last thing, though, some of the poignancy is lost by changing the little boy to an adult. I know you did it because you couldn't get the boy to move like he needs to, but the change does impact your story."

LLUA

• Bob - It is really hard to hear, so you will have to work on that. By actually showing the other guy (B), it means that you just don't get the story. The waitress is good at trying to understand what is going on, but by showing B and then in the end he isn't there you just think that he left or something. I think that what you have to do is use camera tricks to make it look like someone is there but not really show it. Have the conversation going on, but always show the back of the booth or whatever.
• Jana - This one I don't understand, mostly because the dialogue is too quite for me to make out what is being said. But, I think that this guy is pretending like he has a friend and it's really just himself? However, this needs to be established better visually. For example, when he is "with" his friend then the angle is from the right, but when we see "reality" i.e. no friend, then the angle is from the left.
• James - In guessing there was an error in the SWF file: I had really long shots at first followed by a ton of silent shots at the end. Also, I wasn't able to follow exactly what the point of the scene was (though I suppose the audio/video mismatch didn't help that either).

Notebook reloaded

• Bob - I've watched it several times and I am so confused. Are they laying in the street? Then a car comes and she/they jump up over it? Does agent smith come out? The dialog and what is going on here is just hard for me to figure out. I guess that could be the point. I love the ending. What we will settle for. HA HA.
• Jana - Shorter. Take out more of the beginning and set up exposition through the Voice-of-God Narration. "She was a small town girl, he was a bla bla bla" The first half is slow, but the second half works really nice, especialy the end where the visuals alternate with the words "Who will she choose." Nice.
• James - Up the shot count.

Poe

• Bob - music is too loud in the beginning. If this is the final dialog, there is some echoing in there. Maybe temporary. Might want an Italian accent. While he is walking, I think that I would periodically show closeups. Just an overhead of him walking is going to get old fast. Try some creative camera shots of his journey. Camera shots during conversation is good. The only other thing that is a bit confusing is what are they talking about? Pipe. Monteado.
• Jana - "Ok, your dialogue and narration is great, but you are relying on it too much. In the beginning, the guy is walking and that is it. But what else do you want to imply about the guy who is speaking or the one he is going to go talk to and eventually kill? You can do this by showing him doing things on his way to the masquerade. For example, does he throw a coin to a bum on the street to show that he is generous except with people who deserve death like the guy he is going to see? Also, the conversation they have at the masquerade lacks drama. Right now, your shot reverse shot sequence is purely practical, this means that whoever is speaking is shown and then when the next person starts talking, the shot reverses to then show them talking. Instead, you should play around with reaction shots and other things. In this dialogue, the main character is appealing to the other guy's vanity, right? So, there should be some reactiron shots when the main guy is guaging if the other dude bought his flattery, etc. Also when the main guy is first talking, you could show a reaction shot of the wine conniosseur being bored and not really attending to what he is saying. In this way, you are showing through body language the subtle power struggle that is going on in this conversation. "

Poptart

• Bob - When he is talking on the phone, it might be useful to hear the other end of the conversation (maybe you can't really hear it, but there is some noise). So you know that he is talking to a human. Also, when he answers hello. Maybe he should say: Hello, Technical Support, how may I help you. SOmething to give some more context. Not sure that you are going to need him walking to the room with gman/printer. We know that he is giong there. YOu could jsut have him start to leave the room after he says he'll be there and then next scene he is there. Will keep it tight. When he is talking to the printer, you need more camera shots in there. Maybe repairman, then printer, then repairman, etc. Maybe even some kind of over the shoulder thing would be interesting. She's a damn good printer. She deserves better than that. Kind of a pause in there and no response from g-man. A little clumsy here. I like the radio voices that talk to him. Different voices. I realy like the ending. Very creepy.
• James - Good use of garry's mod.
• Jana - For this animatic I wasn't able to hear the sound so my critique is based purely on visuals. Generally my comments are that it is very slow. I think you need to pick up the pace or add more variety in shots to really tell the story. But, I still say that the idea is very funny. The alarm clock as girlfriend is hilarious.

Poser rehab

• Bob - Before the announcer, you need a bunch more camera shots. Show the conversation, etc. When the poser walks up, show the interaction. Keep the camera shots moving. Remember, roughly 2.5 seconds per shot. Again, for the announcer, maybe some more shots. Also, for the rehab, maybe a zoom or a pan of the facility. More shots in the classroom. Show the students, the teacher, etc. It feels a bit too long. Long maybe you don't need to do all of the bits. I think that you get the point and then you should get done it. So, consider cutting some parts.
• James - Good job.
• Jana - I like this idea, and I feel that sometimes it goes on for a little bit to long in cerstain segments, or the joke is pushed too far. For example, when the rehab clients are sitting in the circle, I think the funny part is when whoever is saying that his dad made hime listen to rap when he was a child. The part about Trent is slow and I would just cut it out. ALso, at the every end where the announcer "tests" the out-patient by seeing if he will hand punch rather than shake, I think you can end it on "you know what happened last time" and then show the out patient's face that he DOES remember what happened last time. Then move on. The truth about pieces like this where they are pretty much a series of jokes rather then a more conprehensive narrative is that you can't sit on a joke for too long or it will go totally flat. Jump in and out quickly. Great work so far.

RIAA

• Bob - not sure if this is final dialog, but there is a echo in her voice over. Are you going to show a news set? I don't think that it has the punch that you want it to have. Right up until the last news piece it is good. But then, the report of corruption doesn't feel right. What if you have quick clips of armed guards hauling kids away. Like maybe a show a street with several houses and guards pulling kids out of each house. Then what.... Maybe something cheesy like an insert: "6 months later" or maybe newspaper headlines. Something that helps to make the logical connection between all of the bad things going on and then the corruption.
• James - What the spiderman in handcuffs. Good shot composition. Don't be shy about closeups though.
• Jana - I hate to have to say this, but I still don't quite understand what the point of this piece is. Could you please explain it to me so that I can give better feedback?

Snickerdoodle

• Bob - take my revenge line - suggest rerecording. So, it is more sinister. Take pause My pause Revenge. No high pitch, just deep and sinister. Sensei scene is great. Lots of good camera angles. Consider: red eats the cookie. Red is dead (not really) Blue kills himself. Red, opens eyes and smiles and winks. Then ends. Something like that. Nice camera shots.
• James - watch the 180 degree rule. I'm assuming you used the same slide for each samurai's close-up, which made it hard to tell which was which. This is fine for the animatic, but if you use B&W in the final be sure to help the audience know which is talking at all times.
• Jana - "Ok, this story is good. The only part that is still confusing to me is the flashback. I don't understand from the visuals what is going on in the flashback. I think you need a close up on the bad guy in the flashback and then you need to cut directly to a shot of the bad guy in the present from the same angle. This will connect the two quite nicely so that we understand it was that very same dude who killed...who? The relationship between the guy who died in the flashback and the guy in the present is also not killed. How can you show that he was the guy's father? or family member or whatever. Also, how does the one guy eating a cookie cause the other guy to die? "

Jackpot

• Bob - kid looks for Mom. Then shot of TV. Is this the same kid? It is confusing. Maybe a line - guess she isn't here. To keep the context right. Will be interesting to see how you pull off all of this in hammer. Be careful what you wish for. Is this spoken in a VO? I could also imagine a good sinister laugh.
• James - Good concept, and good sound effects, you need to up your shot count though.
• Jana - "Very nice. You do need, though, some more shots to fill in and help keep the pacing up. One place I noticed is when he is asking his mom where his suit is. Even though the mom is talking, you can throw in a reaction shot from him listening to show his desperation, etc. Also, a sense of climax could be created if your shots become shorter and shorter as he is there in the grave yard. Definitely you need to play with shot duration and pacing."

Watercooler

• Bob - Good pacing and it works except I'm not sure about the ending. How can we punch it up?
• James - Since a lot of your shots are by necessity static, make sure the composition is really fleshed out for the scenes of the two eavesdroppers.
• Jana - Ok, this story is basically good but lacks just a little bit. Right now, the dialogue is too contrived. They jump to the camera so quick and then to the idea of hiding it. As is, the dialogue seems like just a contrivance for getting that camera in the plant rather then being a natural result of two people trying to live their lives or get respect or whatever. I think something needs to occure in the dialogue before that sets up the reason why they would want to hear what other peopel are saying rather then just random curiosity. Also, the two dudes don't even seem like friends, so it's hard to see them working together on somethign like this, unless the sports guy has an inferiority complex and likes being brow-beaten all the time. Lastly, I think you can cut the lines right when the police officer says, "Hey what is this?" As he looks directly into the camera, you can cut to the two dudes watching it. And they're like, "uh oh" "do you think they'll bust us?", etc. But I like it how you cutto jail right after the door knocks and the police shout "police." Also, the pacing is very slow right now. You got to keep it going quick. That means cutting back and forth between the two and maybe even going to POV shots of the office and such while they are conversing.

Western

• Bob - well done. Make sure that the ricochet is very visible. Maybe hit a couple of things. Maybe you should do a closeup of his feet or the cow pie or something when he goes backward. Also, I think that when she walks up to him in the end, they should both look down at the cowpie and smile and look at each other, maybe shrugh their shoulders and then walk off into the sunset. Something to acknowledge the importance of the cow pie.
• James - Excellent. You can go closer still on Bill's closeups.
• Jana - "Nice solution to the whole pie thing. By almost shooting the bad guy, it gives the bad guy motivation to have a shoot-out duel. You miss out on the whole ""pie"" theme, but I think it is more important to have the good motivation for the duel. Also, at the end, after the battle is ""won"" and the chick girl changes allegiance to the ""winner"" I think you need to show in close up the moment where she changes the allegiance. So, from frowning at dead body, to smiling at the new boyfriend. Also, I agree with Bob that you need to bring more attention to the fact that he tripped on a cow pie. Could be really funny. "